Tucker Carlson and Other Things I Hate
Hey friends! I hope you’re having a good weekend. Isn’t it insane to send a newsletter on a weekend? What am I doing, just asking people to unsubscribe?! Joke’s on you - not that many people subscribed in the first place!
My month’s been good so far. I returned to my homeland of New York and have been spending time with my sisters in Long Island. I have two nieces making their debut on Earth in June, at which point my mom will also come stay with us in Long Island, and we will officially be a “coven.”
I’ve been trying to write fiction this year. I’m very new to it and a lot of what I’ve written is “nonsensical” (in the words of a particularly blunt editor). However, I’m really grateful that Five on the Fifth Published this new story of mine. It’s about fantasy worlds, of which I have many.
I also wrote two new satire pieces for the New Yorker. One about the phrase “herd immunity” and one about how insane tax policy is. Check them out, if you dare.
There was literally too much news this week, I cannot process. My friend and I - who wishes to remain anonymous, as he has a “job” - wrote about a ghastly thing Tucker said last weekend. So much happened since that you may have forgotten about it, but we have not. Enjoy!
Times That I, Tucker Carlson, Have Been Disenfranchised
It’s a voting-rights question. In a democracy, one person equals one vote. If you change the population, you dilute the political power of the people who live there. So every time they import a new voter, I become disenfranchised as a current voter. - Tucker Carlson, 4/9/2021
1968: My conception. As much as I pounded on the walls of my mother’s womb, begging to cast my vote for Nixon, it would be decades before we even considered extending the right to vote to me.
1971: My brother’s birth, wherein he effectively “replaced” me as a voter on breakfast cereals, and I became even more disenfranchised.
1986: Military officials overseas are granted the right to vote, effectively replacing mine. When I said I “wholeheartedly support the troops,” I meant while they were bombing people for oil, not taking away my vote.
1989: I lost my student ID card, and my university told me I would need to replace it. “One man, one ID card,” I said firmly. I switched to eating exclusively at 7-11 because I was no longer able to get into the dining halls. I was disenfranchised, but Justice (and corndogs) were served.
1997: Turns out, there was “conveniently” no Presidential election this year, even though I wanted to vote!
2000: There was a presidential election, but I completely forgot to write it down in my planner. I showed up two days later to vote, but my polling place had transformed into a local library. I walked inside and screamed, “I VOTE FOR YOU, TRICKY DICK!!!!”
1992-2015: I had four children in this timeframe. I’m not sure when, exactly - you’d have to ask my wife. Each one only sent me further down the path of disenfranchisement. As much as I’ve warned them I shall write them out of my will if they don’t vote Nixon up and down the ballot, there’s really no way to confirm they did.
2000: I watched the movie the Replacements, which turned out to be a feel-good comedy-drama about high school football. Regrettably, I enjoyed myself and was not even slightly disenfranchised.
2021: The death of Rush Limbaugh. I had high, high hopes that even if I wasn’t enfranchised on Earth, at least my vote would count in Hell. But no, Rush took that spot from me. It’s the only bad thing he ever did. May he rest in peace.
8/7c on FOX: The lies I tell every night on my show make it harder to vote for everyone, including me! No one talks about self-disenfranchisement, but it continues to plague me.
When My McDonald’s Franchise was Stripped From me Because I Instituted a Strict “Witness Signature” Requirement for Anyone Ordering a Milkshake: So messed up.
The Signing of the Constitution: This document contains many amendments making it possible to vote for women and African Americans and other people, but it says NOTHING about whether I want that to happen!!!!
Every 8 Seconds: A woman in America gives birth to a baby, as part of a Democratic plot to start a family and disenfranchise me, Tucker Carlson. I’m adamantly pro-life, but really just my life.
The Big Bang: This happened in 1919, I believe, according to my religion, which was inconveniently the same year we gave women the right to vote.
Our Eternal Buddhist Present: The view that I am spiritually tied through the fundamental oneness of the universe to all voters and non-voters has been revelatory. When I am reminded of it, I feel at peace. But I nonetheless find that it dilutes my vote, by demonstrating conclusively that the self is an illusion.
November 2020: I voted for Biden as a joke. I didn’t think he’d actually win, but I was informed there are “no backsies.” This country sucks, I’m out.