The Refried Beans Tour
Hi friends!! I’m in London right now. I just went to the Downton Abbey castle. It was glorious.
Next week, I’ll be back to the grind (well, how much of a grind is it, really? I just had a 4-hour “work meeting” where we exclusively discussed Hinge strategy). My book comes out May 3rd, which means I’m going on a BOOK TOUR! If you have a bookstore in your city I should hit up, let me know! I’ll be adding dates all month.
Bigger news - I’m taking my stand up show on the road! For those who missed my hour in NYC, I’ll be at Caveat May 14th, and in Atlanta at Hissy Fit Comedy May 1st AND in Philly April 22nd!! It’ll be different than the YouTube video, I promise. I’m adding new things! AND I have a new monthly show at West Side Comedy club in NYC April 21st with some of my very favorite comedians!!! Please come! Literally. Please.
I also wrote a few New Yorker pieces this month - this one, speculating about meditators with the genius Eva Hill, and this one - also, in many ways, speculating about meditators, with the also-genius Lex Singer.
Finally, someone told me I shouldn’t ask people to pay for this newsletter if I don’t offer original content. To that, I say, you’re kinda rude, Sir. Also, most people don’t pay for this newsletter (though I’d highly encourage you to consider it!). Anyway, here’s an original piece of satire for you:
Are You 12?
Literally shut up. It’s a little cold out, nipples show. It’s just my body! Are you 12?
“Penis” is a scientific word for the organ! Stop tittering around over there - good lord, do not laugh at the word ‘titter.’ It means ‘giggle,’ which you need to stop doing. Unless you’re 12, which you are.
That’s not a fart. It’s a rare endangered bird, singing its rare and lovely song. Sorry it’s not Olivia Rodrigo, but you are, like, so 12. You should take in the solemnity of this experience, rather than snorting with laughter. Who knows how much longer this bird will be available to fart at us.
Are you eating non-defrosted frozen pizza for dinner? Do you live in a Judd Apatow comedy? Can you even digest that? 12, much?
You just turned off the Beatles to tell me instead how we can still save the bird? Because you have no appreciation for Classic Rock, right? Somebody’s a little 12.
Oh my god. Did you just laugh when you heard the number ‘69’? Are you 12? 69 is nothing to laugh about - it’s actually a very efficient way to, you know, do that. Some of us are busy!
Did you seriously organize a protest on TikTok to stop polluting the forests and endangering that bird’s home? You still believe in protests? That if enough people peacefully demonstrate their wishes, something will change? What are you, 12? 11? 10? Religious? All options seem hard to believe.
You don’t know how to schedule your own doctor’s appointments - which you also believe are a human right - because your mom usually does it for you? Are you serious? You are 12.
Ew - what's on your breath? Optimism? Grow up and buy the chemical-y toothpaste brand and wash your mouth out, and stop talking to me about there’s still hope for the bird! Or any bird, for that matter! Just think - if all birds go extinct, pigeons go extinct too. It’s called seeing the silver lining to climate change or being a grown-ass adult.
This photo - in which you denounce plastic straws to your 1.6 million followers - was very clearly taken on a bed without a top sheet! Do you not have one? I mean, I don’t either, but let’s focus on you. Are you 12? Get some mature bedding! You can order it off Amazon, which I know you boycott.
Oh my God. You got invited to Congress to talk about your environmental activism to save endangered avifauna, and you’re wearing platform sandals? Grow up! Those are shoes for infants! Or, like, 12-year-olds trying to look like infants.
You think your generation is going to come to the rescue, after my generation spent decades ignoring the warning signs that were flashing right before us? You seriously think we can just “dim the sun” and “regulate Facebook”? You don’t think Democracy is totally dead? You think our voices count for something? You think that bird will live to fart-sing another day? You think the planet hasn’t already handed us an eviction notice? You’re not afraid to stand up to Mitch McConnell, because I’ve heard he can move his tongue up to 69 miles/hour to lap up his prey - OH MY GOD, are you laughing again!?!
Ok, actually, now that I think about it, it’s objectively hilarious. Lol, 69.
love you friends
xox
Ginny