Savannah, Atlanta, Charleston, Baltimore, Boston

Hey friends! Those are the names of the cities I’m doing stand up in the next month!! I have the links to all the shows here. In Baltimore, I’m opening for Gary Gulman, which is particularly exciting. Hope to see some of you there!! If you’ve seen my hour & enjoyed it, please tell a friend! It’s so helpful and nice.

Not much else is up. I’m in the South most of this month on tour, and stopping to visit my new Southern boyfriend along the way. I’ve been driving for about three months, and yesterday, I drove him from DC to Richmond. I’m happy to say that we both survived, and, even more shockingly, so did our relationship.

It’s been a relatively busy month. Mostly, I’m finalizing a book proposal to send out in the next few weeks and doing my stand up hour, but I’m working on some shorter things, too. The piece of writing I’m proudest of this month was in The Cut. It’s about sobriety in the face of climate change, which is something I think about a lot. It sometimes feels like an overdramatic mash-up of something intensely personal and something vastly global, but also, we all have to exist both in our own personal bodies and in a vast global world, so those issues do blend together.

My friend Dan Rosen and I were in the New Yorker this month too, for some Truth Social investigations. I’ve been digging into Peter Thiel’s new right-wing dating app for a satire story in Bustle, but it’s not yet. Enjoy this extremely on-the-nose photo from their sign-up flow:

Until then, check out the rest of my column, and here’s another satire piece from me ‘n Dan:

People Who Should Actually Get a Presidential Pardon

99% of the time, the President’s whole shtick is “obey the law,” and then, right at the end, they get to be like “just kidding! You're absolved of your crimes.” But I’m sure I’m not the only one who’s noticed that the President’s not pardoning the right folks. Here would be some more deserving candidates for a Presidential pardon:

• The new driver who failed to park inside the yellow lines. Those yellow lines are close together!

• The lady who shoplifted a Diet Coke when it wouldn’t scan in the self-checkout line. Half those scanners don’t really work, and sometimes you just need a Diet Coke.

• The girl who went followed Maroon 5 on tour 2008.

• And 2009.

• The boy who burned an American flag by accident when he was trying to get the grill started. Technically a crime, but could there be a more American way to burn a flag?

• The software engineer who was too dumb to realize he was insider trading. Just because they know how to code doesn’t mean they’re smart in any other way. I mean, look at Crypto. And my entire dating history.

• Okay, she also followed Maroon 5 again in 2014.

• Speaking of - maybe we should let the Crypto scammers off the hook? Since the total value of the money they swindled is now worth less than a Diet Coke.

• The woman who neglected to mention that she wasn’t charged for her appetizer. She had a long day. She accidentally liked her ex’s engagement IG post. She deserved that free tuna tartare.  

• My nephew, after he vomited on my favorite sweater. I could also just forgive him, but I’d prefer that the President made the first move.

• And then she requested She Will Be Loved eight times at her older sister’s wedding. It’s really stressful to be a bridesmaid. You learn way more than you ever wanted to about anti-aging Vitamin C serum.

• The Twitter user who retweeted herself 30 seconds after the original tweet. It’s called hustle.

• The woman who made all her friends buy $80 tickets to a Maroon 5 concert for her 30th birthday. And then wait backstage for a meet & greet with Adam, who showed up for a grand total of 2.6 minutes.

• Anyone who once told all their friends to go see Hamilton.

• Anyone who did drugs at a Maroon 5 concert.

• Or just enjoyed the concert stone-cold sober, which is, potentially, more incriminating.

• Anyone who did drugs and went to jail for it.

• Anyone who just made an honest mistake.

• Anyone but Giuliani.

• Or anyone who specifically asked for a pardon on January 7th, 2021.

• Anyone stuck in a jail cell with any member of the Trump Administration. No one deserves that.

• Maroon 5. They’re not, like, Nickelback. 

xox

Ginny