Other Things I'd Ban Congresspeople From Doing
Hello friends & lovers!! Happy November. I hope you’re all enjoy the 32 seconds of downtime between the midterms and the start of the 2024 campaign.
I’m having a very busy month. I’m moving pretty soon, so I’ve been looking at apartments like crazy. They really all look the same to me. Like, I want a place with walls and floors. I also started watching White Lotus, and I’m really so horny for Aubrey Plaza to sleep with her husband’s friend. Or his wife. Obviously, like literally every person on this planet, I’m so desperately excited for “Fleishman is in Trouble” to premiere Thursday. Please send me any thoughts you have on it, unless your thoughts are related to Jesse not doing a good job, in which case, please never talk to me.
I’m not touring as much with my stand up hour this month, though I am doing it in NYC on November 29th. Email me if you want free tickets, I have a few comps left. My goal is to take it to the Edinburgh Fringe Festival in August. To make that possible, I started a kickstarter with a variety of random perks. If any of them are remotely appealing, or you just want to support my dream of flirting with at least one Scottish man, I’d love a donation.
I wrote a story for the Atlantic this month about my open DMs. I thought that it had gone extremely viral, based on how many DMs I got about it, but turns out, I just say at the end of the piece that I love DMs. And I do! DM me, always. Thanks to everyone who read it! And to everyone who wrote it. I love DMs.
Here’s some satire I wrote this month. Sorry for adding even more political content to your life.
Other Things I’d Ban Congresspeople from Doing
Banning Congresspeople from trading stocks seems like a good start, but why stop there? There are all sorts of things I believe they should be banned from doing, including but not limited to:
Receiving gifts: They don’t need birthday presents, they’re Congresspeople, not children. And before you say, ‘what about from loved ones,’ keep in mind that these are politicians we’re talking about.
Meeting with lobbyists: Not one good thing has ever come of this, so why not give everyone back their time?
Passing legislation they haven’t read: It should at least be like those online Terms of Service agreements where you have to scroll to the bottom to check the box. At least.
Opening a bank account: Cash was good enough for George Washington.
Jogging in public: Paul Ryan’s gone, but the photos still haunt us. We don’t need more.
Using the term Real Americans:’ Also, let’s cut ‘folks’ and ‘y’all.’ Statistically speaking, only some of the members of Congress are Midwestern.
Using the carpool lane: Where do they have to be? Their entire job requirement is to say ‘yes’ or ‘no’ a couple times a week.
Tweeting: I’m sure we can find some sort of campaign finance law to exclude them from doing this. This should be exclusively for funny people.
Instagramming: This should be exclusively for hot people.
TikToking: Exclusively for hot, funny people.
Facebooking: This one’s fine, actually.
Marrying people who trade stocks: I call this the Nancy Pelosi Amendment, which is unfair, because it applies to all of them. Still, amendments need names, and it could be the only way to get her to read it.
Marrying people: It feels unfair to do that to “people.”
Using Dating Apps: Hinge is too distracting for Congresspeople. They need to swipe ‘no’ on tax cuts for the 1%, not Brian with the fish.
Dating: I mean, if they’re not on dating apps, how would they meet people anyway? Do you really want them to join your intramural soccer league? I doubt they’re particularly coordinated, even if some (Josh Hawley) are fast.
Running TV ads: Have you seen the offerings on Netflix these days? We don’t need to make TV worse.
Fundraising: Little kids with bake sales are ‘fundraising.’ It’s not an appropriate sport for adults, much less people in power.
Voting in elections: Isn’t it enough that they get to vote on legislation?
Voting on legislation: I don’t think we should leave laws up to Congresspeople anymore - they’ve proven they can’t be trusted. It’s unfair that the average American (aka “Real American” aka “folks”) only gets to vote for people. I hate people. Let me vote on policies.
Running for office: No one who wants to run should be allowed to. Even trying to is a massive red flag. It’s like that King Solomon proverb, I think.
Laughing: I saw Mitch McConnell do this one, and it left an indelible mark on my memory.
Thank you as always for subscribing to my newsletter.
xoxo
Ginny