Happy Holidays! Stand up dates - Philly, NYC
Hey friends,
Happy holidays! I hope you’re all preparing to be totally offline and not open one single email, except this one, obviously.
I wrote a few things this month. My New Yorker piece on buying a house prompted dozens of people to tell me to leave NYC, and I dug into nail polish theory for Cosmo. I’m happy to report that I’m coming in hot next year with some shows. I’ll be headlining in Philly on January 7th, and back at Caveat in NYC on January 24th, with a brand new powerpoint (the show is now about numbers…so sorry…please come). The hilarious & brilliant Hanna Dickinson is my new director, and together, we’ve created this extremely informative graphic for you.
To understand it in context, you must come see the show.
I’m also heading to Fringe this August with Hanna & our pee pie chart! I reached my goal on Kickstarter, but my goal only covers about 40% the total cost, so if any of the perks appeal to you, please consider contributing. And as always, please buy my book - for yourself, your friends, people you hate. I’m easy!
As a very special holiday gift, enjoy this satire piece:
Problems Web3 Solves that I Definitely Have
Money will no longer get stolen out of my bank account, which previously happened every day. Or at least, something happened to the money in my bank account to make it disappear.
I’ll now have access to every financial transaction I’ve ever made. This is critical. I can’t tell you how many times someone asked me if I went to Taco Bell on September 14th, 2013, and I have to look them in the eye and say, “I simply don’t remember.”
No more service interruptions. Facebook goes down at least twice/year, and that’s the problem with it.
Real estate transactions will no longer be so slow, which is great, because the speed of real estate is definitely what’s prevented me from buying a house, not the fact that I have $40 in my savings account (down the cost of one gordita crunch from yesterday, idk why!).
My contracts will be respected, because they’re executed by machines, not fallible idiots known as “humans.” This is great - I want my lease’s grip on me to be iron-tight. I’m sick of all these willy-nilly rules where if I move into a new place and it’s “infested with rats” or “already occupied by a family of four,” I’m allowed to just “move out.” That’s bullshit.
I’ll now own my entire digital identity. That time I posted a picture of myself licking a cow? Nobody can steal that from me anymore.
Money will no longer have a fixed value, and honestly, the fixed value of money was really boring for me. I needed more excitement in my life. Is today a good day to buy milk, or will tomorrow be better? Let’s roll the dice!
Elon Musk can’t just come in and ruin our platforms. We get to ruin our platforms. All by ourselves. I’ve been tweeting the word ‘tits’ every day since 2007, desperately trying to ruin Twitter. It was draining to lack that power!
Every social media user - or, to be specific, those active enough to choose to vote - will get to decide the platform’s policies. This is exactly what we need. Have you ever read through the comments on a viral Twitter thread? The most active users are the sanest ones.
There will be no more misinformation because once we let real people say whatever it is they think, that issue will be taken care of.
Overall, all my problems will be gone, because in Web3, We - We the People, and Sometimes, The Bots - control the internet! What does that mean? Who knows? I once understood the internet too well. Not in Web3, baby!
Okay now get off the internet and go tolerate your families.
xox
Ginny