Creepy Things and Happy June
Hey friends! Thanks for reading my newsletter. I’m having a great month so far!! Last week, my sister gave birth to two beautiful little girls. I don’t have their consent to post a photo yet, but stay tuned - I may get it in the next decade or so.
I also had a blast in Mexico City for my friend’s bachelorette. I visited an island full of dead dolls. Here I am with one - they are, indeed, quite creepy. Especially the limbs.
I wrote a few things this month. One of the pieces I’m most proud of is an essay for Electric Lit about The Topeka School, a book that truly haunted me even more than the dead dolls. I get into some pretty heavy shit about my past, so don’t read if you don’t want to know! But if you do read, please RT.
My pal Jason Katzenstein and I also wrote this piece for The New Yorker about capitalism and its many iterations. It’s inspired by The Age of Surveillance Capitalism by Shoshana Zuboff, another very harrowing and very good book. I’ve been reading a lot of terrifying shit! June’s a creepy month. I think it’s the humidity.
In line with the mysteries, here’s a spooky bit of satire for ya. The illustrations are from the absolutely delightful Sharon Levy - find more of her work here. Enjoy!!
Life’s Greatest Mysteries
A lot of people think ‘death’ is life’s greatest mystery. Not even close. For one thing, death is, by definition, not life. For another, any of these mysteries are vastly more peculiar, and far less explored in popular culture.
What preposition comes after ‘enamored’?
What does Gary Oldman actually look like?
Which one is Jennifer Aniston’s ex-husband and which is the Prime Minister of Canada?
Is there any chance Roy will ever love me more than he loves Adrienne from Yoga with Adrienne? If not, it’s totally fine, I just want to know. I mean, I love her a lot, too.
What does the Vice President do?
Why do oranges grow pre-sliced? More to the point - why don’t apples?
What’s on the eleventh page of Google search results? What if it’s better? What if it’s always porn?
Follow up: Why are men always looking for the slightly better option? No one goes to the second page of search results if they’re happy with what they find on the first, so why do they keep dating around once they’ve met a nice woman?
Did Harry ever break up with Ginny to see what it was like to date other people, before returning to marry her? Because it seems like that’s something all men do. I mean, the whole premise is he was a normal boy who just happened to have magical powers. So it stands to reason that he’d behave like a typical man.
Is there any such thing as a negative-calorie food? And - hear me out - if there is, could we someone engineer negative-calorie ice cream? That tastes good. None of that Arctic Zero bullshit. I’m going through a breakup. I deserve zero-calorie Ben and Jerry’s.
What’s the difference between Coke Zero and Diet Coke? Oh, right. The male ego.
If baking soda is supposed to fix any mess, then why couldn’t it save my relationship?
No, but what is the deal with airplane food? Seinfeld posed the premise, but he never answered the question.
Is it PMS, or just Roy’s fault?
What happens after you “find yourself.” Do you just go missing again?
Or do you return to the woman you left before “finding yourself,” because you realize the emotional support she gave you was likely the reason you were able to make all that emotional progress in the first place?
Is Roy the only man on Earth who can make me cum vaginally? Because he couldn’t.
If I eat my own tears, do my sodium levels stay the same?
Why do men make more money? They are dumb, and they pee standing up in a line like the Rockettes.
Especially Roy.
He’s particularly dumb.
How long after a breakup can I start dating again and enjoy it? Please don’t say “never.”
Will Hinge continue showing me the same 15 profiles, on rotation, forever? I keep seeing Roy. I want him out of my life. Can anybody help me with this?
Does he have a new girlfriend, and if so, is she prettier than me?
Will I ever get over him? Because it seems like I won’t, but if you could just send a sign - something, anything. Why won’t you send me a sign!? Why does love have to be so stinkin’ mysterious! I can’t take it anymore! I’m exhausted! I’ve lost my curiosity!
What’s up with the French?