Britney & Babies
Happy Fourth of July! I’m eating a literal hot dog as I write this (I’m on the Keto diet right now, so I eat six hot dogs a day). I personally think it’s weird to have strong positive feelings about America, but I’m all for a day off.
It’s been a busy month! I have some exciting news, which is that my Audible Original Project YES WE MUSTARD debuts on September 2nd. I’ll keep reminding you as September 2nd gets closer, which hopefully it will, because I don’t have AC in my apartment.
The very talented Eugenia Viti and I wrote this piece for the New Yorker. It’s blatant pro-vaccine propaganda.
I’m doing a lot of stand up! Possibly too much, some would say, and the person who says that is me. I have a show tonight at Pine Box Rock Shop in Bushwick. I’m also at West Side Comedy Club 7/17 at 9 pm. Here are some more shows:
Some of them have passed, but I obviously can’t be bothered to figure out which those are. The child on my lap is my niece Lily.
Like everyone else, I am very sad about Britney. My pal Alex and I wrote up a piece about how fucked Conservatorships are, soon to appear in The Bold Italic. It’s at the bottom of this email.
Enjoy, and have a good month!!
xoxox
Ginny
Make It So That Britney Can Be Free From This Situation! Call Rosenberg & Cohen, LLP Today!
By Alex Connolly and Ginny Hogan
Are you a world-famous pop star who has been trapped in a financially exploitative conservatorship by her emotionally abusive father? Has the media promoted a false, misogynistic image of you as unstable based on your all-too-human reactions to their rapacious invasions of your privacy?
If so, I am here to help.
Hi, I’m Keith Christianson, founder and lead attorney of Rosenberg & Cohen, LLP, Conservatorship Attorneys at Law. Before you ask, “Rosenberg & Cohen” is just a name I made up. You see, I thought the Jewish names thing was just an industry convention, or, like, a joke I didn’t get. I would change it, but that seems like a lot of paperwork, and I didn’t get into law for the paperwork.
Why should you trust Rosenberg & Cohen, LLP? One word: passion. Ever since I saw the New York Times documentary “Framing Britney Spears,” I have been a man on a mission - a mission I call “Make It So That Britney Can Be Free From This Situation!”
My goal is not just to “free” Britney, herself. It is to free all of the Britneys out there - all the former Mickey Mouse Club breakout stars who were victimized by the obsessive over-sexualization of young female singers in the 90s.
That is why I’m asking all quadruple-platinum conservatees to call me. You can find my phone number by googling “rosenberg cohen conservatorship what is my phone number.”
My time is valuable, so please look closely at your situation before seeking my help. I have had to turn away dozens of potential clients because they were never the subject of a defamatory breakup song by the one person they really trusted. It is not that such cases are without merit. They were simply not the kinds of problems I got into this business to address. I could not see any of them spawning American Apparel T-Shirts or investigative podcasts.
I have taken out this advertisement because, so far, reaching the right kind of client has been a challenge. I hoped to be of service to Ms. Spears herself, but apparently, I am not the only attorney who saw that documentary. It appears that certain lawyers have been working in the field of conservatorship law for years, and they are aggressively edging me out of this space I entered earlier this week.
To grow my caseload, I have reached out to individuals at high risk of profit-driven conservatorship. They include Avril Lavigne, Mandy Moore, Christina Aguilera, Miley Cyrus, and Michael Cera. As former child stars (I fight for the little guy) and sex symbols (I also fight for the sexy guy), they should seriously consider having me on retainer, just in case.
So far, I have only heard back from Mr. Cera, who politely declined. If you know Ms. Lavigne, Ms. Moore, Ms. Aguilera, or Ms. Cyrus, please ask them to check their “spam” folders. If you know Mr. Cera, please tell him he is making a huge mistake. Like, bigger than his 2012 mustache.
Just like Gloria Allred, I hope to be someone that victims feel confident coming to because they’ve seen me on TV. No, I haven’t been on TV per se, but I do watch a lot of TV. (Also like Ms. Allred, I hope to occasionally levy my expertise to help protect high-paying abusers. But not that often).
It is my firm belief that there are multiple, if not several, mistreated conservatees out there who once shaved their heads to reclaim their own image and now only communicate their powerlessness by way of cryptic emojis on Instagram. I will be their voice. I will be their emoji.
I hope to hear from them soon. To be honest, I need to. The bank will not allow me to keep restructuring my debt. I already dug myself into a financial hole with my last law firm, Schwartz & Schwartzenberg, which specialized in pop stars unfairly blamed for “wardrobe malfunctions” in the mid-aughts. To Justin, I say: you’re toxic. To the banks, I say: oops, I did it again.
In an ironic twist of fate, my own family has now threatened me with conservatorship because, they say, my law firms are “delusional” and I “didn’t pass the Bar.” I wish I could take my own case, but I am simply not high-profile enough for me to represent. So please also contact me if you are a conservatorship lawyer and are taking on new clients (pro bono, duh). Help me help Britney. But help me first.
Together, we can Make It So That Britney (and other Madonna-level icons) Can Be Free From This Situation!