Bible Stuff
Hi friends! Good morning. I rose with the dawn, as I always do, because I’m an insomniac.
I’m having a pretty nice month. I turned 30, which was actually not as transformational/horrifying as I expected. On my 30th birthday, I wore a piglet costume and also spent an afternoon with my pals trying to find a court on which to play pickleball. We did not succeed. I then told a new romantic interest I played pickleball (to keep the conversation going - I’m, like, so good at flirting). He asked me a specific about the game, I did not have the answer, we stopped speaking forever. I also updated my Driver’s License and got new WiFi, which felt like solid accomplishments for a month, right? 30 is off to a productive start!
I published two short stories this month. The first is “A Door of a Different Color” in Non-Conformist, and the second is “Bad Excuse Josh” in Defenestration Mag. My dear friends Katy and Dana and I (I am my own dear friend) also mocked tech billionaires in the New Yorker. Happy Divorce, Bill and Melinda!
Another very exciting piece of news is I started doing stand up again, which is to say, I sat in Central Park while a group of unemployed comedians ruined everyone else’s afternoons (open mics have gotten scrappy). I’m doing a show Thursday May 20th at the Tiny Cupboard in Brooklyn at 7 - come see if I’ve gotten less funny during the pandemic! (Spoiler: I have).
Here’s a bit of satire about the Bible. I unironically love the Bible.
Biblical Characters Who Actually Started Our Modern-Day Trends
Bibles make good coasters, but that’s not all they’re good for. The Bible is full of origin stories, leading right up to our modern day. Take a look at some of the biblical stars who pioneered trends you thought you invented.
Malachi & Call-Out Culture: You may think call-out culture originated with Twitter, but no - Malachi told the Israelites he knew they weren’t obeying Old Testament law, whether or not they’d posted about it. All we needed was an all-seeing prophet with a megaphone, and boom, a trend was born.
Paul & Double-Texting: Paul wrote to the Corinthians twice without hearing back (at least, it’s not in the Bible if he did), and I assume his humiliation was overwhelming. Fortunately, thanks to his sacrifice, double-texting is now very socially acceptable today. I think.
Noah & Social Distancing: Social-distancing wasn’t born with COVID. And it wasn’t born with your middle school classmate Tara who said her house could only fit exactly 42 kids, so sorry you’re not invited to her birthday. No, it was born with Noah - the man who first saw the importance of not having too many humans on board the Arc.
David & Short Kings: You think it was the shift away from an agrarian society that made size less relevant? No, it was David and his nimble little hands on his sharp little sling-shot. Tom Cruise would be nothing if not for David.
Elijah & Gender-Reveal Parties: Dramatically revealing what the future holds? Sounds like the work of a prophet. Just make sure to have the fire extinguisher ready in case he drops by for dinner.
Jonah & Studio Apartments: It was a mistake to copy our biblical hero on this one. The whale wasn’t roomy either, but Jonah was only in there for a couple days. Ah, those poor NYC studio dwellers.
Jesus & My iPhone Turning Back on After Three Days Dead: He is Risen.
Solomon & Going Dutch: Say what you will about Solomon, the man knew how to split the bill.
Job & Unpaid Internships: Eternal testing, and for what? All so that you can come back next summer and get your boss a full-caf that he believes is a half-caf (you know what it takes to keep him in a good mood), once again without earning a salary.
Methuselah & the Tech Industry’s Obsession with Amortality: Methuselah set unrealistically high standards by living to be 969. Sergey Brin wants to shatter his records, and he’s willing to annoy the shit out of all of us to get there.
Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John & Mansplaining: While not technically “characters” in the Bible, they all still told the same story over and over again. It’s like, we get it, God is good. Or angry. Either way, you guys could have just said it once.
Mary & IVF: Have you heard that COVID is causing a run on sperm banks? You have Mary to thank.
Eve & the Keto Diet: I’m sorry, but Eve got in trouble for eating an apple? An apple? If she’d merely indulged in six eggs, a steak, and a stick of butter, we’d be humming along in blissful nudity. I hope the mediocre carb-rush was worth it.
Jesus & Franzia: Watered down wine? Yummy.
Thanks for reading!
Love,
Ginny