Hey friends! I hope you’re all having a nice start to the fall. I spent a very relaxing week on the beach at the end of August, only to have that relaxation completely undone the moment I hit NYC traffic. But that’s okay - the idea that we need to “relax” is just more wellness culture BS, I think. Stress keeps me young, in that I’m too nervous about stocks to invest any money.
I’m going to Portland next week, and on Sept 22nd, I’ll be a guest on LiveWire’s show. Not to be confused with LimeWire, which I once used - following a bad breakup with a 14-year-old who didn’t realize we were dating - to download every song with the word “love” in the title. I’m so pumped, I’ve never been on a live radio show before. You can get tickets here, I’d love to hang out with you! Also, just to be clear, I was also 14 when the LimeWire thing happened.
After that, I return to NYC to do my stand up hour once again!! My wonderfully funny friend Alexis Gay is opening for me Sept 27th at 7pm. I now have a PowerPoint, so if you’ve seen the show before and want to see it WITH SLIDES, get tickets here. Use code twitterfriend for $5 off (or respond to this email if you want to be on the comp list).
AND THEN…drumroll please… I’m doing a two-week tour of the South. It will be a wild experience for everyone involved (me and my car). Here’s the schedule:
10/7: Bristol, TN
10/8: Asheville, NC
10/13: Atlanta, GA - Hissy Fit Comedy (link to come)
10/15: Savannah, GA
10/17: Charleston, SC (link to come).
The tour culminates with what I’m most excited for - opening for Gary Gulman in Baltimore (which is, arguably, not the South) on Oct 21st. Gary’s literally my favorite comic, get tickets here.
In other news, I’m writing a new book for Chronicle. It is about sex, that thing that some of us have definitely done. If you haven’t had a chance to read my first one, you can get it here. Please, for the love of God, please buy it.
in the meantime, please enjoy this original satire piece.
Non-financial Products I’d Like Included in Our Prenup
Thank you for your compliance in our marriage agreement. Before we embark on this lifelong journey of joy and love, we should get a few things out of the way. This is what belongs to me, in the somewhat (but not terribly) unlikely event that we file for divorce.
Trader Joe’s Tuesdays at 6am: The only time it’s not crowded, so yes, I’ll be taking it. And I can’t run into you there - what if you found me in a very compromising situation? For example, I might be double-fisting free sample cups.
Our HBOMAX password: We could probably seek out an arrangement wherein we both access it (that is, after all, why streaming services are going broke), but you were always so judgmental about my taste in TV shows, so I’m kicking you off.
Your mother’s Christmas gifts: Can you pass it along to her that she should keep sending them? I’m happy to set up some sort of automatic withdrawal situation, if it’s too much trouble to remember (especially since you did not agree to a financial prenup).
Most of our mutual friends: I made us most of our couple friends by being more likable than you are, and therefore, I’ll have my pick of which friends stay with me. Alicia, for instance (aka “Hot Alicia” - your words) is mine. But you can keep Steve and the rest of your fantasy football league. Though, if you do see them, you have to acknowledge that I was right. This won’t be hard for them to believe.
Our couple’s therapist: I know we haven’t started seeing him yet, but we will, and when we do, he’ll side with me. I’m not the one who hits on your friends, after all. Therefore, I shall keep him as a solo therapist.
That trick I taught you for making better quiche: Not to be petty, but it causes me great pain to think about you enjoying the crispy edges with the new, younger woman you’ll inevitably date immediately after me.
The story of the adult man who was caught breastfeeding at his own wedding: I know it was your story originally, but I punched it up for you, and that’s why it was such a success. You’re a shitty storyteller without me. Any charm or wit you use to pick up other ladies - I taught that to you.
My good moods: I had so many more of these before I realized you get a discount at Trader Joe’s because you’re sleeping with the 23-year-old cashier, and I’d like them back.
Our children: If we have any, which I don’t think we should.
The first tweet about the divorce: I get to announce it, since I have more followers. I was mentally drafting it the entire time you were talking to Steve’s 22-year-old daughter.
Your sincerest apologies: And I do mean sincerest.
My dignity: I guess in the very act of leaving you, I get this back by default. But I’d still like you to return this to me in a way that’s uncomfortable to you.
Your honesty: No no, you’re right. We shouldn’t get married.
But can you please tell your mother I’d like an Apple Watch for Christmas?
And maybe we should sign a financial prenup.
That’s it! Have a wonderful week, friends.
xoxo
Ginny
You just get better